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1. THEY MARRIED FOR THE WRONG REASONS
   Either because they got pregnant, they got pressured, they did it to fit in society, for money, to please their parents or out of pity or obligation to the one they married. The why of getting married will always catch up with you. Love is what will not only keep you married but also keep you fulfilled in marriage. If you did marry for the wrong reasons, be determined to grow love
2. THEY DIDN’T COUNT THE COST
   Before you venture into anything, make sure you understand what you’re getting into. Many don’t measure their expectations well. Marriage will not always be easy, sometimes there will be storms; that is why it requires commitment. If you don’t prepare yourself, the storms will overwhelm you
3. THEY ARE CONTROL FREAKS
   People who always have to have their way, things always have to be done as they want or who always have to win will not enjoy marriage. Being a control freak will make it hard for your spouse to live and build with you. Marriage will not always dance to your tune. Marriage needs team work
4. THEY HAVE TURNED MARRIAGE INTO A GENDER BATTLE
   People who approach marriage from the angle of their being men’s roles vs women’s roles will turn their marriage into a battle between them and their spouse. They will easily detach themselves when they feel an area in their marriage is not their role, leading to keeping scores in order to prove who between husband and wife is doing better and who is wrong. Marriage is about oneness. He fails, she fails; she succeeds, he succeeds. Marriage is not a clash of him vs she
5. LACK OF PRAYER
   Marriage is God’s idea so why do it without God? Oh what peace we often forfeit, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer
6. THEY HAVE TURNED MARRIAGE INTO A COMPETITION
   Before there was Keeping up the Kardashians, there was Keeping up with the Joneses which was a phrase coined to mean the desire to keep up with your neighbour. Many married people are like this. They are competing with other marriages or playing catch up. They see their neighbour has bought a second car, so they buy a second car too merely to show they are capable too. They take loans, pile up their debt, buy unnecessary things, buy unnecessary gifts for their children just so that they feel at par with their contemporaries. Any marriage that lacks a solid identity will fall for this trap. This rat race leads to unhappiness and a meaningless marriage
7. THEY ARE INSECURE
   When you are insecure, you feel that your position is always under threat. This gets its roots from having a low self-esteem. Insecurity will make you feel you are not good enough hence the need to stamp your authority and prove your worth. This is why some men beat up their wives, this is why some find themselves telling their spouse “You don’t know who you’re messing with”, “Do you know who I am?”, “Leo utajua mimi ni nani”. Insecurity will make you suspect your spouse and accuse your spouse falsely. Insecurity will make you worry, become over protective choking your spouse’s social life and space. It will make you a snoop, waiting for your spouse to slip up in order to validate your paranoia. Your worth will constantly be on trial; leading to no peace
8. THEY ARE RIGID
   Marriage, life is a journey. If you are too uptight, you will not fully live out life’s adventure. Stop living such a scripted life, stop living in a box. Because of this, many have a pathetic sex life in marriage, they feel life is boring and feel caged. Be open sexually, laugh, dance, take risks with your spouse, go for a drive, travel, go out on dates, do embarrassing stuff, stop being so polished, play games, have fun
9. THEY COPY-PASTE
   Each marriage is unique and has its own story. When you try and force your marriage to be like that of your role models, mentors, friends, celebrity icons, parents; you and your spouse will be frustrated. Yes, learn the principles that make any marriage work but find your pattern, style and story as a couple
10. THEY HOLD GRUDGE
    In marriage, you will be wronged by your spouse and you too will fall short sometimes, this is because marriage is a process of growth as you both become better. If you fail to forgive your spouse, holding a grudge, constantly reminding your spouse of his/her past wrongs; the climate between you two will be cold and pathetic. Why would you cloud the marriage you are a part of for life? Forgive. Move on from issues. Don’t keep opening up old wounds
11. TOO MANY VOICES
    When you listen and live by too many voices you will never be at peace. You have no voice of your own but get manipulated by others. Your mom tells you this, your friends tell you that, rumors making you feel a certain way, your close friends say you do this. Why are you letting your marriage be run by outsiders? Why are you being a puppet in your marriage controlled by people who think they know what is best for you and your spouse?
12. LACK OF AGREEMENT
    Every marriage will face the same issues. The strong couples are the wise ones who as husband and wife, they agree on how they will handle those issues: Finances, work, in-laws, communication, children and such. Sometimes it is not that your spouse is insensitive, lazy or difficult; it is just that you two have not agreed on how to handle issues. When the agreement is clear, loving and teamwork is easier. Come to this agreement when things are good between you two and as you grow along. Don’t wait for crisis to bring you to the table of agreement. How can two walk together unless they agree?
13. THEY SEPARATE PARENTHOOD FROM MARRIAGE
    Don’t succeed in being a great parent yet fail as a spouse. You, your spouse and children live in one house; act as a family. When you are a great spouse, it translates to a loving home where the child/children feel safe, surrounded by love and secure. When you are a great parent, that should bring you and your spouse more together. Find a balance
14. THEY COVET OTHER MARRIAGES
    There is no way you will belittle your marriage and praise the marriage of others and expect to be happy in your marriage. When you look at other couples and complain to your spouse why your marriage is not like theirs; essentially you are undermining your own and making your spouse feel unappreciated. It has nothing to do with the grass being greener on the other side, other people’s marriages are none of your business; work on your own
15. THEY ENTERTAIN DISTRACTIONS
    Don’t flirt with other people, entertain their advances, emotionally cheat on your spouse by leaning on others; then expect to be happy in your marriage. Invest all your effort, emotions and creativity in your marriage. Even pornography is a form of distraction; you lust after bodies and sexual experiences with strangers that slowly mislead your desires from your spouse. Your marriage will grow according to how you feed it or deteriorate according to how you starve it
16. THEY ARE UNWILLING TO LEARN
    Love is a learning process. Marriage will teach you many lessons. Marriage will present to you opportunities to be a better person, to learn how to be more loving, how to listen, how to give, how to apologize. If you are full of pride you will never learn, you will never grow, you will never be fulfilled in marriage

© Dayan Masinde and Akello Oliech